something to think about...

Something for me to mull over when I wake up a few hours from know: Do I really love acting or am I just doing it because I have an inferiority complex? Do I really feel passionate about studying theatre or am I just a part of it because I feel I have something to prove?
And right now, sadly, I think I am involved in acting because I feel like I have something to prove. I need to prove to myself and others that I can act. I need to prove that just because I’m not upper middle class or even middle or lower middle class like my friends, that I still have talent. I feel like I need to prove that I still have something even though I can’t afford to go to Broadway shows for my b-day or to take dancing lessons. I need to feel like I am valuable, that I can do things even though I may not have everything my friends have. I need to feel like I have worth- that I can do something, because right now my only cheerleader is myself.
I did have a love for acting once-I need to rediscover that passion. Not so that I look good in front of others, but more for myself. I don’t want acting to be another chore; I don’t want acting to be another thing that I have to be good at. I want to enjoy acting and I can’t do that if I’m constantly trying to be better at it then my peers because of some stupid emotional need to prove to the world and to myself-that money is not what matters-but talent. I know, I’m not that naïve. I know that money brings a lot of advantages and opportunities. Trust me, I go to a private school and sometimes I feel as if those opportunities are shoved in my face but then cruelly taken away. Sort of like what you do with a pet, you shove a biscuit in their face but as they leap forward to grab it you pull away and start running away. And the pet starts chasing after you-intent on getting the biscuit and eventually it does-but only because you took mercy upon it and let them get it. I know very negative view, but it’s hard to hear about all the exciting things my friends get to do and how the school brags about how their students are so “cultured”. I feel left out of the loop. So I think that’s one reason why I am a perfectionist-why I feel like I can’t fail-especially in acting. I feel like I have a chip on my shoulder. I feel like I have to not only myself but to everyone else that I am not a waste of space-that I am just as valuable as my friends. And that really is a lonely and disheartening feeling. To feel as if everyone looks down on you is a painful and hurtful experience that can destroy you if you’re not careful.
I don’t want to be destroyed. So I need to, for my sake, rediscover my passion for acting just for acting sakes or I will become so consumed in trying to prove myself to others that I will be destroyed. And I am not over-exaggerating. There are times where I have felt so worthless that I have even considered ending my life. I need to do this to survive.