process and experience so far...

So today was first one on one rehearsal with my acting teacher for one woman show, My Name is Rachel Corrie. It went ok. I kept getting frustrated and angry with myself because I had it planned out exactly how I wanted to say my lines and which words I wanted to place emphasis on but my acting teacher gave me this exercise where I had to sing my lines to her and she would sing it back to me. I of course can’t sing but I really got loosened up and she said that when I wasn’t thinking to hard about my lines, that I was able to place emphasis on the right words. With acting you have to try and let the words flow through you and not force them out like a machine.
All this is really nerve-wracking. The length of the play is daunting but memorization is not a problem because I pick up things fast, it’s getting out of my head and letting my lines flow naturally that’s the problem as well as believing that I can act. I firmly believe that if my acting teacher didn’t believe I could act she would not have allowed me to chose this piece. I mean I’m sure she was hesitant to let me do it at first, because she told me at the beginning of the course she didn’t want me working alone, since I tend to gravitate towards that, but when she saw how enthusiastic and how much passion I had for this play she let me take it on. It really is so intense, but I just need to get my act together and just trust myself a little more and not freak out so much. I’m beginning to realize that waiting and worrying about performing is worse then actually performing. I tend to psyche myself up so much and I have this horrible inferiority complex. I tend to think I am the worst out of the bunch and I am so critical of myself that it can be debilitating. I get so scared to do things that I often waste valuable time sleeping, just so I can make all the thoughts in my head stop. It’s really annoying, but I am so glad I took this course because it really is requiring me to get out of my head and not be so critical of myself. I am trying to take things one day at a time, and one hour at a time. Even though the stress level right now is high with this play and all the other things I need to do. This reminds me, I should probably make a list of all the things I need to do in preparation for this play.

Make a copy of script for acting teacher
make prop list for acting teacher
continue working on lines (which in itself is a journey)
continue working on blocking
continue trying to get out of my shell
Work on my pronunciation (I have the tendency to soften my consonants which makes my words sometimes come out garbled. Plus I sometimes randomly insert r into words. For example “situation” becomes “situration.”

Part of me wishes I could afford to not do homework or study for a few weeks so I can literally get my act together. But alas, it just means that I am going to have to do some more work on my time management skills. I plan on rehearsing and doing things 1-2 hours every day outside of school during the week, including Friday. Then Saturday I would like to spend about 5 hours working on the play. This means I will have to get up early. The rest of Saturday would be dedicated to getting my homework done so I can spend Sunday working for other couple of hours on the play. Hopefully I can stick to this schedule. I also want to try and write in my acting journal everyday or every two days. I feel as if writing in it is a little therapeutic and it keeps me from losing my head. Plus it will help me remember this crazy process.
I am learning so much about acting and all the hours of dedication that acting requires, through this process. I mean, I can’t even imagine what it must be like to pull off a full length play or a full length one woman show. That’s crazy. I am also learning so much about myself as a person. I am learning about the effects my self –talk is having on my self esteem and on how I act (behavior wise as well as performance wise) I am also having a new found appreciation for my acting coach and all the craziness she has to deal with, I am telling you right now, she must love her job a lot to pull in the amount of work she does and not be cranky or crabby. Plus she has 2 young daughters and a personal life. That’s quite a lot to handle. So I definitely have more respect for her and for actors, directors, etc everywhere. And today she brought up the technical aspect of my show and I hadn’t even thought about that. It’s so mind-blowing how much time and energy goes into a show. Honestly, I think if more people knew about all the passion and commitment that goes into making a play they would not be so harsh and critical. Anyone who thinks acting is easy should try putting on their own one person show.
Oh, and I almost forgot to mention, my acting teacher says the audience is going to literally be onstage. Most likely, only a small number of people will show up, which kind of frightens me because I don’t work well in small groups. Wow, I will be overcoming a lot of fears in this class!