So I am finally updating after a long hiatus. Actually I’ve just been really lazy, really busy, or jus too depressed to write often. This year to tell you the truth has been an extremely difficult one filled with highs and extremely low lows. My depression and anxiety levels have almost driven me crazy where I contemplated and almost carried out some less than pleasant plans. But the important thing is that I managed to gain control of my crazy self and I’m still here.
I am almost done with high school-I can’t believe how fast 4 years have gone! I am within the last two months of classes. It seems like just yesterday I was attending this special evening for freshman students. I remember being introduced to lacy and someone showing me that she is really ticklish so I would threaten her by making ticklish motions at her. I remember chasing my friend Alice around the school building and walking from class to class with my then best friend Maria. I remember writing a play for English and being allowed to bring a fake gun to class because my play required me to commit suicide. I remember meeting Mr. Clatterbuck. I remember staying after school with Alice and Mr. bray going over stuff for a math midterm or final. I was just bothering Mr. Bray and threatening him and he goes, “that’s ok your about as big as my son Cosmo. (he’s really young and was younger still 4 years ago.) I remember hitting Jon on the head with a Spanish binder and him threatening to get me back (which he never did, even after I reminded him.)
I remember last year getting into dissing battles with Stuart and Matt. I remember it started during geo class when we were seated together and they were talking about dragon ball z and then somehow I became like a dragon something. It was awesome. During class we would just diss each and it was amazing. And I would harass matt in Mr. Molloy’s English class, In beckbriggs’ English class. I remember freaking out during beckbrigg’s final. I remember teaching in Mr. Molloy’s class on a book review for God is not great how God poisons everything and I actually did a pretty good job.
And this year being in Algebra 2 again but doing better and having fun. I remember especially the bridge exercise.
Speaking of memories today was a pretty awesome day. I got to hang out with VY, my best friend for the past few years but I haven’t seen her in years. She called me while I was taking a nap and we talked for awhile. We talked about the fact that I was going to college in a few months. We talked about how expensive college is. Vy and I started getting emotional; when we started talking about love. She told me how she’s afraid she would never find that one person who would love her and I told her I was afraid that I would find someone, we would fall in love, get married but then get divorced. I was afraid that he would change or that we would just fall apart.
After we talked she invited me to go to the mall with her which of course I agreed and we had an awesome time. We went shopping, she was able to buy a prom dress either for her prom or if she can’t go to hers since she needs a date, I invited her to mine. She also wanted to go with me to the school’s dance at spring fling but I tried calling various people and Mr. bray about inviting her but he never got back to me. I left the most awkwardest message on his answering machine and at the dance I tried to avoid him but then I saw him and I was like, “I left the most akwardest message on your answering machine” and he says confused, “ok” and my girlfriend Sarah just starts laughing. But anyway sacks to the mall with Vy. It was awesome. I tried on so many different cheap prom dresses and ended buying two and paying $72 which is good for two dresses. And they are both gorgeous. Vy picked out my prom dress and it looks amazing on me, and I picked out my spring fling dress and it looked awesome on me two. I got a lot of comments on that dress. And it was just awesome being able to hang out with Vy, not only my best friend I hadn’t seen an ages but also someone my age. I usually just go to the mall with my mom and een though I love her it’s no fun. She didn’t really like the dress I had on today, she considered it to sexy . Plus she would just complain and nag all day about one thing or another. I hate to hurt her feelings but she just doesn’t know when to stop and she talks in that little kid voice which I guess is cute but I want to have some normal conversation every once in awhile. I just loved spending time with her.
She also took me to try on jeans. Now because I attended a strict Pentecostal church during the last few years I have worn only skirts but since I left the church and am heading off to college in a few months I want to pull away from that and start wearing jeans again. Now the last time I wore jeans, I was 13 and there was only one style of jeans. Now there are literally dozens so I had no idea what the differences were when Vy started spewing out different jean names. But it was funny because when I tried on the jeans I couldn’t get them past my butt. It could have been because I was wearing stockings but like I told Vy I was not taking them off. (I hadn’t shaven in awhile, but no worries I did tonight for the dance.)
And tonight at the dance was awesome! I saw nallo who left Moravian last year and I actually got to hang out with her today and dance with her to one republic’s apologize. I got to hang out and dance with members of my class. I got to hang out with some juniors. Plus Moravian College gave me such an awesome financial aid package that I couldn’t believe it1 it was awesome! I was happy and just dancing with all of my friends. The only really awkward moment was when I accidentally walked into an underclassman. But there was a chocolate fountain; I had my picture taken with my friends. I of course managed to get chocolate on my beautiful white dress but Sarah V helped get it off. I talked with Ian and darius about staring a socialist club and Ms. Beckbriggs don’t me if we do start one it needs to be called something else. she said something like progressive student alignment or something like that. It was awesome. Dancing and seeing some of the teachers. Hanging out with people I don’t normally hang out with. It was awesome. And right now I am just uploading some senior pics into my facebook account. I am def taking more during these last two months of classes. And tomorrow is def a school work day.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
march 5, 2008
So today after school me, Sarah Trebat leder and Ian all went to the house of the leaders of the Lehigh valley chapter of amnesty international to meet with Jacqueline Murerekatete who is only 23 years old but she has already done so much for activism. First her story is just amazing. She lived in Rwanda during the genocide and at only 9 years old she lost her parents and her six siblings as well as most of her extended family. What struck me the most was her kind demeanor. She did not seem angry or bitter. She joked with us, she talked with us, and she was optimistic that change can occur. She is also so humble and grateful. She talked about losing her family but she said, “I count myself as one of the lucky ones” and she goes on to talk about how she considers herself to be lucky because she is living in America and she has been able to get an education. I asked her why it seems that some people, after going through such devastating circumstances, are able to rise above and help others whole others stay stuck and bitter. And she told me that she has two choices to remain bitter or to use her experiences to help others. She chose the second option and she said that in the end being angry and bitter only hurts yourself. And that is so wise and beautiful.
She struck me so much with her peace and her gentle spirit. And she is continually working. Right now she is helping an organization called miracle coroners and she is working on having a school built in Rwanda. She is just so amazing. She is also helping organize a conference where victims from other genocides come and share their experiences with each other and other people who have never been involved in genocide.
I also asked how can people who have never been in such tragic circumstances help those who are going through so much and she told me, that often times just listening is enough. Wow that really touched my heart because I am the kind of person who feels like I have to change the world or my life will have been worthless. But she said that just listening to people who have gone through genocides, and just showing that you care is of great help and value.
She really shows me how to appreciate the small things in life. I mean I remember sitting around with Mr. Sommers and everyone else at the dinner table eating and laughing. Sometimes we broke off into groups and had like two different conversations. It was awesome. I remember me, Ian, and senor sommmers talked about all the evil the Christian church has committed but that people need to learn to separate what the religion teaches with that the Bible actually says.
And then as we prepared to live Ian and I were cracking up about the mad TV sketch called, “irack.” We were cracking lines for like five minutes and laughing over and over about it.
Lines such as: “where’s the exit?”
“There is no exit strategy!’
Or: “the iproducts don’t even look like they are getting along!”
‘Stop putting stuff in there, the irack is unstable.”
“That’s ok; let’s just keep throwing money at the irack.”
“Don’t worry about the irack we need to focus on the newest iproduct: the Iran.” (A running shoe is reveled)
And even though the Mad TV sketch seems horrible and inconsiderate when I think of it like Mr. Caldwell said one time, Iraq is a situation where you either have to laugh or cry.
But back to the dinner. The food was amazing. Catfish, ice cream with chocolate sauce.
It was an awesome time. I loved feeling so connected with other people and Jacqueline has really inspired me to value each moment, each life. Actually lately I have been noticing a lot of books, songs; etc that have been talking about valuing each moment with loved ones. And each life.
Maybe God’s trying to tell me something…well even if it’s not like “oh someone is going to die soon” I do think that God wants us to value each moment no matter how long we live. I really am trying to take that to heart and will try to write down things in more detail.
In fact I plan on organizing all of my journals and computer diary entries into one memory stick hopefully and maybe create a private anonymous myspace page and post all my stuff there. Obviously I will have the password and stuff written down but only in case I die. I know I have some old xangas and livejournals that I want to dig up. I def want to try and do that during spring break.
But today was such an awesome and great day. Jacqueline and the others have taught me so much. I really do want to slow down and try and value each life and each day. I want to try and value each and everyday with my mom and my dad and try not to shut my family out so much.
Jacqueline gives me hope that no matter what happens in my life, with God’s help, I will be able to survive.
And the hosts, I think there first names are Bill and Karen were really gracious and made yummy food.
Jacqueline also placed a heavy emphasis on education because in Africa some of the Africans were taught that the other ethnicity was evil, and they were taught that from an extremely young age so Jacqueline believes that teaching tolerance and the value of human life is one step towards ending genocides.
We also talked briefly about the genocide in napking. I was surprised, even though I shouldn’t have been since she has made it like her life mission to end genocide but I was surprised that she knew about napking since hardly anyone has heard about that genocide. And we talked about how while the genocide was going on, people all over the world knew what was happening but it was after the fact that the cover up conspiracy began. The united states and other countries aided in the cover-up by just being so intent in getting good relations back with Japan after world war 2 for economic purposes. And we (not just me and her but the others two) talked about how other the wealthier countries only care about their own interests. China is funding the genocide by providing weapons but they don’t want to stop because they are making money off of it. And we talked about how people in other countries distance themselves from the event by saying, “oh it’s not happening here so we don’t have to worry about it” and until that thinking changes genocides will continue to happen.
I also remember saying after I stated the infamous quote “those who don’t know history are doomed to repeat’ I told her it’s actually those “who do not LEARN from history are doomed to repeat it’ and she agreed it’s not just about knowing facts.
So it was a really awesome day.
And even before that I just realized that today was really good. In drama honors class it was so funny. We were talking and laughing about so many things. Marisa Brau apparently likes chalk and she was writing on the board, “this class is dedicated to Kat.” Since Kat was extremely sick and she still came to school. And Mr. Molloy was talking about how Kat left her death bed to come here and Marisa Brau wrote something about Kat’s imminent death and then we started talking about chalk because Mr. Molloy asked Marisa Brau if she wanted to be a teacher since teachers are allowed to use all the chalk they want. And Marisa asked if there was enough money in the budget and Mr. Molloy says, “listen if I use up all the chalk in the school we would order more.” then we started talking about smart board and how Mr. Molloy didn’t like his smart board because they had to cover up his fire place to put it up instead of putting it up on one of the two other walls that had chalkboards that he never used since students were always sitting in front of them. then Vishal talked about breaking the walls to uncover it and me and Laurie were just ribbing him about how impossible that was and Mr. Molloy said what Vishal said and we all just laughed and Vishal was like, ‘oh it’s ok when he says it” and I said something like, ‘well he’s better than you..”
And yesterday Mr. Molloy was talking about how he thought Paul Newman was one sexy fellow when he was younger. And yesterday we also laughed like crazy. It’s the small things like that that make life interesting.
Wednesday March 5, 2008
She struck me so much with her peace and her gentle spirit. And she is continually working. Right now she is helping an organization called miracle coroners and she is working on having a school built in Rwanda. She is just so amazing. She is also helping organize a conference where victims from other genocides come and share their experiences with each other and other people who have never been involved in genocide.
I also asked how can people who have never been in such tragic circumstances help those who are going through so much and she told me, that often times just listening is enough. Wow that really touched my heart because I am the kind of person who feels like I have to change the world or my life will have been worthless. But she said that just listening to people who have gone through genocides, and just showing that you care is of great help and value.
She really shows me how to appreciate the small things in life. I mean I remember sitting around with Mr. Sommers and everyone else at the dinner table eating and laughing. Sometimes we broke off into groups and had like two different conversations. It was awesome. I remember me, Ian, and senor sommmers talked about all the evil the Christian church has committed but that people need to learn to separate what the religion teaches with that the Bible actually says.
And then as we prepared to live Ian and I were cracking up about the mad TV sketch called, “irack.” We were cracking lines for like five minutes and laughing over and over about it.
Lines such as: “where’s the exit?”
“There is no exit strategy!’
Or: “the iproducts don’t even look like they are getting along!”
‘Stop putting stuff in there, the irack is unstable.”
“That’s ok; let’s just keep throwing money at the irack.”
“Don’t worry about the irack we need to focus on the newest iproduct: the Iran.” (A running shoe is reveled)
And even though the Mad TV sketch seems horrible and inconsiderate when I think of it like Mr. Caldwell said one time, Iraq is a situation where you either have to laugh or cry.
But back to the dinner. The food was amazing. Catfish, ice cream with chocolate sauce.
It was an awesome time. I loved feeling so connected with other people and Jacqueline has really inspired me to value each moment, each life. Actually lately I have been noticing a lot of books, songs; etc that have been talking about valuing each moment with loved ones. And each life.
Maybe God’s trying to tell me something…well even if it’s not like “oh someone is going to die soon” I do think that God wants us to value each moment no matter how long we live. I really am trying to take that to heart and will try to write down things in more detail.
In fact I plan on organizing all of my journals and computer diary entries into one memory stick hopefully and maybe create a private anonymous myspace page and post all my stuff there. Obviously I will have the password and stuff written down but only in case I die. I know I have some old xangas and livejournals that I want to dig up. I def want to try and do that during spring break.
But today was such an awesome and great day. Jacqueline and the others have taught me so much. I really do want to slow down and try and value each life and each day. I want to try and value each and everyday with my mom and my dad and try not to shut my family out so much.
Jacqueline gives me hope that no matter what happens in my life, with God’s help, I will be able to survive.
And the hosts, I think there first names are Bill and Karen were really gracious and made yummy food.
Jacqueline also placed a heavy emphasis on education because in Africa some of the Africans were taught that the other ethnicity was evil, and they were taught that from an extremely young age so Jacqueline believes that teaching tolerance and the value of human life is one step towards ending genocides.
We also talked briefly about the genocide in napking. I was surprised, even though I shouldn’t have been since she has made it like her life mission to end genocide but I was surprised that she knew about napking since hardly anyone has heard about that genocide. And we talked about how while the genocide was going on, people all over the world knew what was happening but it was after the fact that the cover up conspiracy began. The united states and other countries aided in the cover-up by just being so intent in getting good relations back with Japan after world war 2 for economic purposes. And we (not just me and her but the others two) talked about how other the wealthier countries only care about their own interests. China is funding the genocide by providing weapons but they don’t want to stop because they are making money off of it. And we talked about how people in other countries distance themselves from the event by saying, “oh it’s not happening here so we don’t have to worry about it” and until that thinking changes genocides will continue to happen.
I also remember saying after I stated the infamous quote “those who don’t know history are doomed to repeat’ I told her it’s actually those “who do not LEARN from history are doomed to repeat it’ and she agreed it’s not just about knowing facts.
So it was a really awesome day.
And even before that I just realized that today was really good. In drama honors class it was so funny. We were talking and laughing about so many things. Marisa Brau apparently likes chalk and she was writing on the board, “this class is dedicated to Kat.” Since Kat was extremely sick and she still came to school. And Mr. Molloy was talking about how Kat left her death bed to come here and Marisa Brau wrote something about Kat’s imminent death and then we started talking about chalk because Mr. Molloy asked Marisa Brau if she wanted to be a teacher since teachers are allowed to use all the chalk they want. And Marisa asked if there was enough money in the budget and Mr. Molloy says, “listen if I use up all the chalk in the school we would order more.” then we started talking about smart board and how Mr. Molloy didn’t like his smart board because they had to cover up his fire place to put it up instead of putting it up on one of the two other walls that had chalkboards that he never used since students were always sitting in front of them. then Vishal talked about breaking the walls to uncover it and me and Laurie were just ribbing him about how impossible that was and Mr. Molloy said what Vishal said and we all just laughed and Vishal was like, ‘oh it’s ok when he says it” and I said something like, ‘well he’s better than you..”
And yesterday Mr. Molloy was talking about how he thought Paul Newman was one sexy fellow when he was younger. And yesterday we also laughed like crazy. It’s the small things like that that make life interesting.
Wednesday March 5, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
open mic night
So today I attended my first open mic night ever at my high school and it was pretty cool. My favorite part was when my two friends went up and did some improvisation work-one portraying the person I have a crush on and my other friend portraying a fellow student. It was just so funny and amusing. I loved being able to watch others perform. Some acts were not perfect, some students let nerves get the best of them, or forgot some of the words to their song, but there is something to be said about having the guts to stand up and perform in front of others and to keep on going even if a mistake is made. I can tell you right now that if I were up there and I made a mistake I would probably have walked off…just because I’m weird like that.
But the show didn’t start till 7: 00 P.M. and school ended at 3:15 so I had to spend hours in school but I had a great time. For the first hour and a half I finished some homework then I hanged out with my “girlfriend” and some of my other friends. We had an amazing time laughing and joking. I remember hanging out with one of my friends in the bathroom and we took pics of each other standing next to the mirror or doing stupid and crazy things. One time my friend dropped her phone and she fell with it. We were in hysterics! And one of my friends brought her boyfriend, and so we are all hanging around talking and laughing, when I can not remember why, but I decide to take off my skirt. I did have pants underneath the skirt but I guess my friend's boyfriend didn’t know that so when I got up and started taking off my skirt he says in this surprised voice, “what are you doing?’ it was so funny. I can not even describe the look on his voice or his tone of voice. His eyes just lit up in shock. Me and my “girlfriend” laughed about it for quite awhile.
After open mic me and some other seniors went out to this ice cream place called The Cup. I was graciously invited by my friend el gato, which was awesome. When we got there we ordered ice cream and sat or stood around this one tiny table and it was just a fun time. I stayed quiet but I loved listening to everyone else talk. I didn’t always understand what they were saying or who they were talking about but it was still cool. I for one didn’t feel so alone.
Today was an awesome day, I know I said that so many times but it really was. I didn’t feel so alone today. I felt connected to others. And for some reason today, during open mic, I started to think that the loneliness that I often feel burdened by is experienced by many of my friends at school, even when they hang out with each other.. And it’s so weird because I think about how all of us are encountering the same type of loneliness, yet the fact that we are going through a similar experience does NOT bring us closer together. I think it’s because we are all so afraid of letting go and letting others in and allowing others to let go. We just stay wrapped up in our own little world and we don’t really let others into it. Or sometimes we just hurt each other so much that we cause others to be afraid to let go. I know that’s what happened in my case. I have been hurt so many times by my family that many times I feel like I c not trust anybody, I mean if the people who were supposed to love me left me and hurt me, how can I expect others not to the same? It’s hard because that thinking just isolates me and causes me to feel even more pain. But I fear getting hurt and being abandoned and alone so I push others away and end up feeling pain, abandoned, and alone. It doesn’t make sense. I have even been distancing myself from God which has hurt me the most. I don’t think many people understand what it is like to feel so close to God and then to just not be able to feel Him at all. I’ve just been so scared to really trust Him and let go. I still have a lot of trust issues and perfectionist issues, but I am trying to let go.
Drama Honors is going a lot better. I still haven’t really spoken but I am learning to relax. My teacher is so extremely funny and so is the rest of the class. I think I’ll talk about drama honors and playwriting tomorrow…this entry is already long enough!
But the show didn’t start till 7: 00 P.M. and school ended at 3:15 so I had to spend hours in school but I had a great time. For the first hour and a half I finished some homework then I hanged out with my “girlfriend” and some of my other friends. We had an amazing time laughing and joking. I remember hanging out with one of my friends in the bathroom and we took pics of each other standing next to the mirror or doing stupid and crazy things. One time my friend dropped her phone and she fell with it. We were in hysterics! And one of my friends brought her boyfriend, and so we are all hanging around talking and laughing, when I can not remember why, but I decide to take off my skirt. I did have pants underneath the skirt but I guess my friend's boyfriend didn’t know that so when I got up and started taking off my skirt he says in this surprised voice, “what are you doing?’ it was so funny. I can not even describe the look on his voice or his tone of voice. His eyes just lit up in shock. Me and my “girlfriend” laughed about it for quite awhile.
After open mic me and some other seniors went out to this ice cream place called The Cup. I was graciously invited by my friend el gato, which was awesome. When we got there we ordered ice cream and sat or stood around this one tiny table and it was just a fun time. I stayed quiet but I loved listening to everyone else talk. I didn’t always understand what they were saying or who they were talking about but it was still cool. I for one didn’t feel so alone.
Today was an awesome day, I know I said that so many times but it really was. I didn’t feel so alone today. I felt connected to others. And for some reason today, during open mic, I started to think that the loneliness that I often feel burdened by is experienced by many of my friends at school, even when they hang out with each other.. And it’s so weird because I think about how all of us are encountering the same type of loneliness, yet the fact that we are going through a similar experience does NOT bring us closer together. I think it’s because we are all so afraid of letting go and letting others in and allowing others to let go. We just stay wrapped up in our own little world and we don’t really let others into it. Or sometimes we just hurt each other so much that we cause others to be afraid to let go. I know that’s what happened in my case. I have been hurt so many times by my family that many times I feel like I c not trust anybody, I mean if the people who were supposed to love me left me and hurt me, how can I expect others not to the same? It’s hard because that thinking just isolates me and causes me to feel even more pain. But I fear getting hurt and being abandoned and alone so I push others away and end up feeling pain, abandoned, and alone. It doesn’t make sense. I have even been distancing myself from God which has hurt me the most. I don’t think many people understand what it is like to feel so close to God and then to just not be able to feel Him at all. I’ve just been so scared to really trust Him and let go. I still have a lot of trust issues and perfectionist issues, but I am trying to let go.
Drama Honors is going a lot better. I still haven’t really spoken but I am learning to relax. My teacher is so extremely funny and so is the rest of the class. I think I’ll talk about drama honors and playwriting tomorrow…this entry is already long enough!
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
journal continuation
Even though the One Acts class is over, I will still continue to update this journal periodically since I am taking Drama Honors (English) and Playwriting, so my experiences with the theatre are not quite over. I hope to continue being involved in some form of theatre for the rest of my life, even if it’s not professionally. I do have a little bit of a passion for theatre even though I’m still trying to figure out whether my motives are “pure.” If you haven’t noticed I am a little bit insecure and I have a little bit of an inferiority complex. I feel beneath people a lot of times, so I feel that in order to compensate for my inferiority I need to try and work ten times harder and do ten times better than anyone else. And I’m a little worried that I want to be involved with theatre solely because I want to prove to myself and to others that I can act, that I can be involved in theatre. Don’t get me wrong, I have always liked acting, but I \usually only acted when I took a course at school or when we did dramatic readings in some English classes. The reason motive is so important is because I want to enjoy acting, I want to enjoy the whole theatre experience without worrying about whether or not I am good enough. I don’t want to be afraid to go out for auditions because I feel that I am not good enough. I don’t want to just always be a member of the audience. But this lack of self-esteem hurts a lot. It hurts to always see another person and feel inferior to them. It hurts to always want to hide into the background and disappear. And it hurts that a lot of people think that it’s easy to get over self-esteem issues. Please, if only things in life were that simple. You can’t just get over self-esteem issues by thinking positively, contrary to what others say, there are other underlying issues that need to be considered and resolved in conjunction with the self-esteem issues.
Even now, I feel a need to justify my feelings for an invisible audience. Worrying that others will see me as nothing more then a nervous, cry baby, selfish girl. But then again, this is my journal and this really is one of the only places that I can turn to where I can express myself freely. I don’t need to hide behind a mask and hide my pain. Adults tell us teens and young adults that as we become older we will (hopefully) become less self absorbed and that’s a great and necessary thing. But I also feel as if older adults are advocating repressing our emotions and problems. Obviously we can’t go around expressing all our feelings all the time. We can’t not stop going to school just because we don’t want to. (Well we can, it’s just not advisable) and we do need to move outside of our convenient little boxes, but we can’t hide nor should we have to all the time. I know I am wandering but I need to get this off my chest. One of my teachers has a favorite saying that he got from his first boss and the saying runs along the lines that “if you don’t have a good attitude about something, pretend you do.” The quote does make sense to a point. A person can hate going to school but they shouldn’t fester on their hatred all the time or they will only make themselves and others more miserable. Yet the quote can also be taken to advocate phoniness. Lying, hiding who we are and how we feel. It’s just stupid most of the time.
I bring this subject up because of my drama honors class today. It was the first day and I saw all these incredibly academically smart people enter the room and I felt so self conscious. And of course I said something and my teacher completely shut it down and dismissed what I had to say. I feel like I’m trapped in a room with people in another league. Like I’m the poor peasant who has been allowed to partake of a rich person’s feast. The peasant stands around feeling self-conscious about their stench and raggedy close. In the long run grades aren’t important, how well you do in high school is not going to matter in the end, but its hard to be in environment where it’s basically you have to do good in school or you will fail at life. Drama honors seems like it will shape up to be one of the classes where I feel truly alone. I feel alone a lot of the time actually and I know probably everyone or almost everyone at my school feels the same way but unlike everyone else I can’t distract myself from my loneliness. I can’t try and run away from it since I don’t really hang out with anyone outside of school. But I can’t let that get me down. I need to pray to to God and work through all my issues of loneliness and depression. I won’t let the fact that all the other students have been in like a billion AP classes keep me from taking something from this class. I won’t let the actions of my teacher get me down. I can learn so much from this course and damn it I will learn something.
Even now, I feel a need to justify my feelings for an invisible audience. Worrying that others will see me as nothing more then a nervous, cry baby, selfish girl. But then again, this is my journal and this really is one of the only places that I can turn to where I can express myself freely. I don’t need to hide behind a mask and hide my pain. Adults tell us teens and young adults that as we become older we will (hopefully) become less self absorbed and that’s a great and necessary thing. But I also feel as if older adults are advocating repressing our emotions and problems. Obviously we can’t go around expressing all our feelings all the time. We can’t not stop going to school just because we don’t want to. (Well we can, it’s just not advisable) and we do need to move outside of our convenient little boxes, but we can’t hide nor should we have to all the time. I know I am wandering but I need to get this off my chest. One of my teachers has a favorite saying that he got from his first boss and the saying runs along the lines that “if you don’t have a good attitude about something, pretend you do.” The quote does make sense to a point. A person can hate going to school but they shouldn’t fester on their hatred all the time or they will only make themselves and others more miserable. Yet the quote can also be taken to advocate phoniness. Lying, hiding who we are and how we feel. It’s just stupid most of the time.
I bring this subject up because of my drama honors class today. It was the first day and I saw all these incredibly academically smart people enter the room and I felt so self conscious. And of course I said something and my teacher completely shut it down and dismissed what I had to say. I feel like I’m trapped in a room with people in another league. Like I’m the poor peasant who has been allowed to partake of a rich person’s feast. The peasant stands around feeling self-conscious about their stench and raggedy close. In the long run grades aren’t important, how well you do in high school is not going to matter in the end, but its hard to be in environment where it’s basically you have to do good in school or you will fail at life. Drama honors seems like it will shape up to be one of the classes where I feel truly alone. I feel alone a lot of the time actually and I know probably everyone or almost everyone at my school feels the same way but unlike everyone else I can’t distract myself from my loneliness. I can’t try and run away from it since I don’t really hang out with anyone outside of school. But I can’t let that get me down. I need to pray to to God and work through all my issues of loneliness and depression. I won’t let the fact that all the other students have been in like a billion AP classes keep me from taking something from this class. I won’t let the actions of my teacher get me down. I can learn so much from this course and damn it I will learn something.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
one acts showcase
Ok so I haven’t really updated my acting journal because I didn’t really want to think about performing My name is Rachel Corrie because I was so nervous. But guess what? The one acts class performed for our showcase yesterday and it went awesome! Everyone did well, including me. ! or so I’ve been told. I’m not sure how I did, I have to check it out when I get a copy of the showcase on DVD. But Mr. Chandler and Mr. king said I did well and also some random parents I didn’t know said I did well. Ugh the last two rehearsals before the show I was so nervous. I like cried. Especially the rehearsal on Friday. I was crying to my English teacher telling her I wasn’t sure I could do it that I would have to talk to Ms. Winter about not doing it and I was just a mess. I did talk to Ms. Winter and she told me to go ahead and rehearsal it and we would see where I was at. But that rehearsal actually went well. And yesterday I was so nervous before the showcase! I was freaking out a little.
But apparently I did well. so I’m glad. It’s funny because during the opening monologue I am lying in a bed, wake up from sleeping, well I decided to take my glasses off and put them on when I “woke” up but then my glasses fell off and I had to do the piece completely blind. Which I guess is good because I couldn’t really see anyone except my best friend Sarah who was sitting in the front row. And then towards the end I am supposed to be reading an excerpt from one of Rachel’s emails but then the email disappeared from the lap top I was using and so I had to adlib. It was pretty hilarious. I am just glad it’s done because it represents me getting over my fears. I’m sad the class is over though…but I learned so much. My friends had been so understanding and they rocked yesterday during the performance. And Ms. Winter was so understanding and she helped me through all the millions of times I freaked out. I mean it’s just amazing how everyone has grown. I loved watching the others performed and there really is so much talent at MA. It’s just awesome. I loved watching my friends transform and I loved being able to see how they changed through out the course. All most of the audience saw was the final presentation but they didn’t see all the tears and struggles that we as actors went through, They didn’t see all the hours of hard work and all the hours of procrastination that we put in. they didn’t see the tears. (I wasn’t’ the only one that cried)The nerves. It really was an awesome experience. And I loved being able to perform parts of, My Name is Rachel Corrie. I’m thinking about performing the whole show for post term. If I do do it, it would have to be like a charity/ fundraiser thing. I’m going to start thinking about it after midterms. Which reminds me, I need to study for my freaking math midterm tomorrow….
But apparently I did well. so I’m glad. It’s funny because during the opening monologue I am lying in a bed, wake up from sleeping, well I decided to take my glasses off and put them on when I “woke” up but then my glasses fell off and I had to do the piece completely blind. Which I guess is good because I couldn’t really see anyone except my best friend Sarah who was sitting in the front row. And then towards the end I am supposed to be reading an excerpt from one of Rachel’s emails but then the email disappeared from the lap top I was using and so I had to adlib. It was pretty hilarious. I am just glad it’s done because it represents me getting over my fears. I’m sad the class is over though…but I learned so much. My friends had been so understanding and they rocked yesterday during the performance. And Ms. Winter was so understanding and she helped me through all the millions of times I freaked out. I mean it’s just amazing how everyone has grown. I loved watching the others performed and there really is so much talent at MA. It’s just awesome. I loved watching my friends transform and I loved being able to see how they changed through out the course. All most of the audience saw was the final presentation but they didn’t see all the tears and struggles that we as actors went through, They didn’t see all the hours of hard work and all the hours of procrastination that we put in. they didn’t see the tears. (I wasn’t’ the only one that cried)The nerves. It really was an awesome experience. And I loved being able to perform parts of, My Name is Rachel Corrie. I’m thinking about performing the whole show for post term. If I do do it, it would have to be like a charity/ fundraiser thing. I’m going to start thinking about it after midterms. Which reminds me, I need to study for my freaking math midterm tomorrow….
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
process and experience so far...
So today was first one on one rehearsal with my acting teacher for one woman show, My Name is Rachel Corrie. It went ok. I kept getting frustrated and angry with myself because I had it planned out exactly how I wanted to say my lines and which words I wanted to place emphasis on but my acting teacher gave me this exercise where I had to sing my lines to her and she would sing it back to me. I of course can’t sing but I really got loosened up and she said that when I wasn’t thinking to hard about my lines, that I was able to place emphasis on the right words. With acting you have to try and let the words flow through you and not force them out like a machine.
All this is really nerve-wracking. The length of the play is daunting but memorization is not a problem because I pick up things fast, it’s getting out of my head and letting my lines flow naturally that’s the problem as well as believing that I can act. I firmly believe that if my acting teacher didn’t believe I could act she would not have allowed me to chose this piece. I mean I’m sure she was hesitant to let me do it at first, because she told me at the beginning of the course she didn’t want me working alone, since I tend to gravitate towards that, but when she saw how enthusiastic and how much passion I had for this play she let me take it on. It really is so intense, but I just need to get my act together and just trust myself a little more and not freak out so much. I’m beginning to realize that waiting and worrying about performing is worse then actually performing. I tend to psyche myself up so much and I have this horrible inferiority complex. I tend to think I am the worst out of the bunch and I am so critical of myself that it can be debilitating. I get so scared to do things that I often waste valuable time sleeping, just so I can make all the thoughts in my head stop. It’s really annoying, but I am so glad I took this course because it really is requiring me to get out of my head and not be so critical of myself. I am trying to take things one day at a time, and one hour at a time. Even though the stress level right now is high with this play and all the other things I need to do. This reminds me, I should probably make a list of all the things I need to do in preparation for this play.
Make a copy of script for acting teacher
make prop list for acting teacher
continue working on lines (which in itself is a journey)
continue working on blocking
continue trying to get out of my shell
Work on my pronunciation (I have the tendency to soften my consonants which makes my words sometimes come out garbled. Plus I sometimes randomly insert r into words. For example “situation” becomes “situration.”
Part of me wishes I could afford to not do homework or study for a few weeks so I can literally get my act together. But alas, it just means that I am going to have to do some more work on my time management skills. I plan on rehearsing and doing things 1-2 hours every day outside of school during the week, including Friday. Then Saturday I would like to spend about 5 hours working on the play. This means I will have to get up early. The rest of Saturday would be dedicated to getting my homework done so I can spend Sunday working for other couple of hours on the play. Hopefully I can stick to this schedule. I also want to try and write in my acting journal everyday or every two days. I feel as if writing in it is a little therapeutic and it keeps me from losing my head. Plus it will help me remember this crazy process.
I am learning so much about acting and all the hours of dedication that acting requires, through this process. I mean, I can’t even imagine what it must be like to pull off a full length play or a full length one woman show. That’s crazy. I am also learning so much about myself as a person. I am learning about the effects my self –talk is having on my self esteem and on how I act (behavior wise as well as performance wise) I am also having a new found appreciation for my acting coach and all the craziness she has to deal with, I am telling you right now, she must love her job a lot to pull in the amount of work she does and not be cranky or crabby. Plus she has 2 young daughters and a personal life. That’s quite a lot to handle. So I definitely have more respect for her and for actors, directors, etc everywhere. And today she brought up the technical aspect of my show and I hadn’t even thought about that. It’s so mind-blowing how much time and energy goes into a show. Honestly, I think if more people knew about all the passion and commitment that goes into making a play they would not be so harsh and critical. Anyone who thinks acting is easy should try putting on their own one person show.
Oh, and I almost forgot to mention, my acting teacher says the audience is going to literally be onstage. Most likely, only a small number of people will show up, which kind of frightens me because I don’t work well in small groups. Wow, I will be overcoming a lot of fears in this class!
All this is really nerve-wracking. The length of the play is daunting but memorization is not a problem because I pick up things fast, it’s getting out of my head and letting my lines flow naturally that’s the problem as well as believing that I can act. I firmly believe that if my acting teacher didn’t believe I could act she would not have allowed me to chose this piece. I mean I’m sure she was hesitant to let me do it at first, because she told me at the beginning of the course she didn’t want me working alone, since I tend to gravitate towards that, but when she saw how enthusiastic and how much passion I had for this play she let me take it on. It really is so intense, but I just need to get my act together and just trust myself a little more and not freak out so much. I’m beginning to realize that waiting and worrying about performing is worse then actually performing. I tend to psyche myself up so much and I have this horrible inferiority complex. I tend to think I am the worst out of the bunch and I am so critical of myself that it can be debilitating. I get so scared to do things that I often waste valuable time sleeping, just so I can make all the thoughts in my head stop. It’s really annoying, but I am so glad I took this course because it really is requiring me to get out of my head and not be so critical of myself. I am trying to take things one day at a time, and one hour at a time. Even though the stress level right now is high with this play and all the other things I need to do. This reminds me, I should probably make a list of all the things I need to do in preparation for this play.
Make a copy of script for acting teacher
make prop list for acting teacher
continue working on lines (which in itself is a journey)
continue working on blocking
continue trying to get out of my shell
Work on my pronunciation (I have the tendency to soften my consonants which makes my words sometimes come out garbled. Plus I sometimes randomly insert r into words. For example “situation” becomes “situration.”
Part of me wishes I could afford to not do homework or study for a few weeks so I can literally get my act together. But alas, it just means that I am going to have to do some more work on my time management skills. I plan on rehearsing and doing things 1-2 hours every day outside of school during the week, including Friday. Then Saturday I would like to spend about 5 hours working on the play. This means I will have to get up early. The rest of Saturday would be dedicated to getting my homework done so I can spend Sunday working for other couple of hours on the play. Hopefully I can stick to this schedule. I also want to try and write in my acting journal everyday or every two days. I feel as if writing in it is a little therapeutic and it keeps me from losing my head. Plus it will help me remember this crazy process.
I am learning so much about acting and all the hours of dedication that acting requires, through this process. I mean, I can’t even imagine what it must be like to pull off a full length play or a full length one woman show. That’s crazy. I am also learning so much about myself as a person. I am learning about the effects my self –talk is having on my self esteem and on how I act (behavior wise as well as performance wise) I am also having a new found appreciation for my acting coach and all the craziness she has to deal with, I am telling you right now, she must love her job a lot to pull in the amount of work she does and not be cranky or crabby. Plus she has 2 young daughters and a personal life. That’s quite a lot to handle. So I definitely have more respect for her and for actors, directors, etc everywhere. And today she brought up the technical aspect of my show and I hadn’t even thought about that. It’s so mind-blowing how much time and energy goes into a show. Honestly, I think if more people knew about all the passion and commitment that goes into making a play they would not be so harsh and critical. Anyone who thinks acting is easy should try putting on their own one person show.
Oh, and I almost forgot to mention, my acting teacher says the audience is going to literally be onstage. Most likely, only a small number of people will show up, which kind of frightens me because I don’t work well in small groups. Wow, I will be overcoming a lot of fears in this class!
Friday, November 23, 2007
thanksgiving break
This thanksgiving break has been pretty relaxing, however with only about 2 days left I find myself in a crunch for time. I always do this. I always leave things for the last minute. I eventually get what I need to get done, done but still it is rather annoying.
I just finished reading Time Magazine’s “The Middle East” in preparation for my one woman show. And in about a half hour-to an hour I will start memorizing my lines. I’m starting to get really nervous since I perform next month-January 6 or 7th and my acting teacher wants the one act class to have our lines memorized by the time we go back to school on Monday. Once again I really wish I hadn’t left this for the last minute, but what can I do, but try my hardest. I know I can get these lines memorized, I am actually really good at memorization, so I just need to buckle down and really focus I will be working on memorization for four or five hours today and tomorrow I will dedicate most of the day to memorization with 2-5 hours dedicated to common app. And Sunday will be dedicated to college applications but I still plan on working for another 2 or 3 hours on memorization.
I am really glad that I am doing this one act entitled, “My name is Rachel Corrie” as soon as my acting teacher mentioned the play to the class I feel in love with it. The play is about a human rights activist, named Rachel Corrie who was killed in 2003 trying to defend a Palestinian house from being destroyed by an Israeli bulldozer. The play is based on notes, emails, and journal entries that Rachel left behind, so the reader/audience really gets to know who Rachel Corrie is and what drove her to risk and ultimately lose her life in a country half-way across the world. I relate a lot to Rachel Corrie, I relate to her restlessness and her desire to do something to help those who are victims of a political process beyond their control. I emphasize with her feelings of worthlessness, because there are times during the play where she struggles with whether what she does is actually making a difference. I relate to her frustrations over the disregard for human life that so many people have, especially those in positions of power. What really inspires me is that Rachel Corrie was a normal young adult. She didn’t come from an extremely wealthy family and from what I could tell she didn’t have any famous friends or family members. She was a “normal” young girl who wanted to make a difference but I guess what makes her not normal is the fact that she actually did what she said she wanted to do. She actually packed up and traveled half-way across the world to make a difference. Would you do that? Would I do that?
Of course not everyone sees her as an admirable figure. Some people see her as a perfect example of American stupidity- an example of someone trying to get involved in the problems of other nations. (Even though the U.S. has contributed a lot to the problems in the Middle East…) Others see her as being brain washed by the Palestinians. It always shocks me how cruel people can be. Some people have even said that she deserved to die. How can you hate someone, especially someone you do not know, so much, that you want them dead? But I am sure Rachel Corrie knew people wouldn’t approve of her decisions but she still fought for what she believed in and there are people who hate her for it. But for others her story serves as an inspiration and I am honored to be portraying her for my One Act Plays class.
I just finished reading Time Magazine’s “The Middle East” in preparation for my one woman show. And in about a half hour-to an hour I will start memorizing my lines. I’m starting to get really nervous since I perform next month-January 6 or 7th and my acting teacher wants the one act class to have our lines memorized by the time we go back to school on Monday. Once again I really wish I hadn’t left this for the last minute, but what can I do, but try my hardest. I know I can get these lines memorized, I am actually really good at memorization, so I just need to buckle down and really focus I will be working on memorization for four or five hours today and tomorrow I will dedicate most of the day to memorization with 2-5 hours dedicated to common app. And Sunday will be dedicated to college applications but I still plan on working for another 2 or 3 hours on memorization.
I am really glad that I am doing this one act entitled, “My name is Rachel Corrie” as soon as my acting teacher mentioned the play to the class I feel in love with it. The play is about a human rights activist, named Rachel Corrie who was killed in 2003 trying to defend a Palestinian house from being destroyed by an Israeli bulldozer. The play is based on notes, emails, and journal entries that Rachel left behind, so the reader/audience really gets to know who Rachel Corrie is and what drove her to risk and ultimately lose her life in a country half-way across the world. I relate a lot to Rachel Corrie, I relate to her restlessness and her desire to do something to help those who are victims of a political process beyond their control. I emphasize with her feelings of worthlessness, because there are times during the play where she struggles with whether what she does is actually making a difference. I relate to her frustrations over the disregard for human life that so many people have, especially those in positions of power. What really inspires me is that Rachel Corrie was a normal young adult. She didn’t come from an extremely wealthy family and from what I could tell she didn’t have any famous friends or family members. She was a “normal” young girl who wanted to make a difference but I guess what makes her not normal is the fact that she actually did what she said she wanted to do. She actually packed up and traveled half-way across the world to make a difference. Would you do that? Would I do that?
Of course not everyone sees her as an admirable figure. Some people see her as a perfect example of American stupidity- an example of someone trying to get involved in the problems of other nations. (Even though the U.S. has contributed a lot to the problems in the Middle East…) Others see her as being brain washed by the Palestinians. It always shocks me how cruel people can be. Some people have even said that she deserved to die. How can you hate someone, especially someone you do not know, so much, that you want them dead? But I am sure Rachel Corrie knew people wouldn’t approve of her decisions but she still fought for what she believed in and there are people who hate her for it. But for others her story serves as an inspiration and I am honored to be portraying her for my One Act Plays class.
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