So today was first one on one rehearsal with my acting teacher for one woman show, My Name is Rachel Corrie. It went ok. I kept getting frustrated and angry with myself because I had it planned out exactly how I wanted to say my lines and which words I wanted to place emphasis on but my acting teacher gave me this exercise where I had to sing my lines to her and she would sing it back to me. I of course can’t sing but I really got loosened up and she said that when I wasn’t thinking to hard about my lines, that I was able to place emphasis on the right words. With acting you have to try and let the words flow through you and not force them out like a machine.
All this is really nerve-wracking. The length of the play is daunting but memorization is not a problem because I pick up things fast, it’s getting out of my head and letting my lines flow naturally that’s the problem as well as believing that I can act. I firmly believe that if my acting teacher didn’t believe I could act she would not have allowed me to chose this piece. I mean I’m sure she was hesitant to let me do it at first, because she told me at the beginning of the course she didn’t want me working alone, since I tend to gravitate towards that, but when she saw how enthusiastic and how much passion I had for this play she let me take it on. It really is so intense, but I just need to get my act together and just trust myself a little more and not freak out so much. I’m beginning to realize that waiting and worrying about performing is worse then actually performing. I tend to psyche myself up so much and I have this horrible inferiority complex. I tend to think I am the worst out of the bunch and I am so critical of myself that it can be debilitating. I get so scared to do things that I often waste valuable time sleeping, just so I can make all the thoughts in my head stop. It’s really annoying, but I am so glad I took this course because it really is requiring me to get out of my head and not be so critical of myself. I am trying to take things one day at a time, and one hour at a time. Even though the stress level right now is high with this play and all the other things I need to do. This reminds me, I should probably make a list of all the things I need to do in preparation for this play.
Make a copy of script for acting teacher
make prop list for acting teacher
continue working on lines (which in itself is a journey)
continue working on blocking
continue trying to get out of my shell
Work on my pronunciation (I have the tendency to soften my consonants which makes my words sometimes come out garbled. Plus I sometimes randomly insert r into words. For example “situation” becomes “situration.”
Part of me wishes I could afford to not do homework or study for a few weeks so I can literally get my act together. But alas, it just means that I am going to have to do some more work on my time management skills. I plan on rehearsing and doing things 1-2 hours every day outside of school during the week, including Friday. Then Saturday I would like to spend about 5 hours working on the play. This means I will have to get up early. The rest of Saturday would be dedicated to getting my homework done so I can spend Sunday working for other couple of hours on the play. Hopefully I can stick to this schedule. I also want to try and write in my acting journal everyday or every two days. I feel as if writing in it is a little therapeutic and it keeps me from losing my head. Plus it will help me remember this crazy process.
I am learning so much about acting and all the hours of dedication that acting requires, through this process. I mean, I can’t even imagine what it must be like to pull off a full length play or a full length one woman show. That’s crazy. I am also learning so much about myself as a person. I am learning about the effects my self –talk is having on my self esteem and on how I act (behavior wise as well as performance wise) I am also having a new found appreciation for my acting coach and all the craziness she has to deal with, I am telling you right now, she must love her job a lot to pull in the amount of work she does and not be cranky or crabby. Plus she has 2 young daughters and a personal life. That’s quite a lot to handle. So I definitely have more respect for her and for actors, directors, etc everywhere. And today she brought up the technical aspect of my show and I hadn’t even thought about that. It’s so mind-blowing how much time and energy goes into a show. Honestly, I think if more people knew about all the passion and commitment that goes into making a play they would not be so harsh and critical. Anyone who thinks acting is easy should try putting on their own one person show.
Oh, and I almost forgot to mention, my acting teacher says the audience is going to literally be onstage. Most likely, only a small number of people will show up, which kind of frightens me because I don’t work well in small groups. Wow, I will be overcoming a lot of fears in this class!
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Friday, November 23, 2007
thanksgiving break
This thanksgiving break has been pretty relaxing, however with only about 2 days left I find myself in a crunch for time. I always do this. I always leave things for the last minute. I eventually get what I need to get done, done but still it is rather annoying.
I just finished reading Time Magazine’s “The Middle East” in preparation for my one woman show. And in about a half hour-to an hour I will start memorizing my lines. I’m starting to get really nervous since I perform next month-January 6 or 7th and my acting teacher wants the one act class to have our lines memorized by the time we go back to school on Monday. Once again I really wish I hadn’t left this for the last minute, but what can I do, but try my hardest. I know I can get these lines memorized, I am actually really good at memorization, so I just need to buckle down and really focus I will be working on memorization for four or five hours today and tomorrow I will dedicate most of the day to memorization with 2-5 hours dedicated to common app. And Sunday will be dedicated to college applications but I still plan on working for another 2 or 3 hours on memorization.
I am really glad that I am doing this one act entitled, “My name is Rachel Corrie” as soon as my acting teacher mentioned the play to the class I feel in love with it. The play is about a human rights activist, named Rachel Corrie who was killed in 2003 trying to defend a Palestinian house from being destroyed by an Israeli bulldozer. The play is based on notes, emails, and journal entries that Rachel left behind, so the reader/audience really gets to know who Rachel Corrie is and what drove her to risk and ultimately lose her life in a country half-way across the world. I relate a lot to Rachel Corrie, I relate to her restlessness and her desire to do something to help those who are victims of a political process beyond their control. I emphasize with her feelings of worthlessness, because there are times during the play where she struggles with whether what she does is actually making a difference. I relate to her frustrations over the disregard for human life that so many people have, especially those in positions of power. What really inspires me is that Rachel Corrie was a normal young adult. She didn’t come from an extremely wealthy family and from what I could tell she didn’t have any famous friends or family members. She was a “normal” young girl who wanted to make a difference but I guess what makes her not normal is the fact that she actually did what she said she wanted to do. She actually packed up and traveled half-way across the world to make a difference. Would you do that? Would I do that?
Of course not everyone sees her as an admirable figure. Some people see her as a perfect example of American stupidity- an example of someone trying to get involved in the problems of other nations. (Even though the U.S. has contributed a lot to the problems in the Middle East…) Others see her as being brain washed by the Palestinians. It always shocks me how cruel people can be. Some people have even said that she deserved to die. How can you hate someone, especially someone you do not know, so much, that you want them dead? But I am sure Rachel Corrie knew people wouldn’t approve of her decisions but she still fought for what she believed in and there are people who hate her for it. But for others her story serves as an inspiration and I am honored to be portraying her for my One Act Plays class.
I just finished reading Time Magazine’s “The Middle East” in preparation for my one woman show. And in about a half hour-to an hour I will start memorizing my lines. I’m starting to get really nervous since I perform next month-January 6 or 7th and my acting teacher wants the one act class to have our lines memorized by the time we go back to school on Monday. Once again I really wish I hadn’t left this for the last minute, but what can I do, but try my hardest. I know I can get these lines memorized, I am actually really good at memorization, so I just need to buckle down and really focus I will be working on memorization for four or five hours today and tomorrow I will dedicate most of the day to memorization with 2-5 hours dedicated to common app. And Sunday will be dedicated to college applications but I still plan on working for another 2 or 3 hours on memorization.
I am really glad that I am doing this one act entitled, “My name is Rachel Corrie” as soon as my acting teacher mentioned the play to the class I feel in love with it. The play is about a human rights activist, named Rachel Corrie who was killed in 2003 trying to defend a Palestinian house from being destroyed by an Israeli bulldozer. The play is based on notes, emails, and journal entries that Rachel left behind, so the reader/audience really gets to know who Rachel Corrie is and what drove her to risk and ultimately lose her life in a country half-way across the world. I relate a lot to Rachel Corrie, I relate to her restlessness and her desire to do something to help those who are victims of a political process beyond their control. I emphasize with her feelings of worthlessness, because there are times during the play where she struggles with whether what she does is actually making a difference. I relate to her frustrations over the disregard for human life that so many people have, especially those in positions of power. What really inspires me is that Rachel Corrie was a normal young adult. She didn’t come from an extremely wealthy family and from what I could tell she didn’t have any famous friends or family members. She was a “normal” young girl who wanted to make a difference but I guess what makes her not normal is the fact that she actually did what she said she wanted to do. She actually packed up and traveled half-way across the world to make a difference. Would you do that? Would I do that?
Of course not everyone sees her as an admirable figure. Some people see her as a perfect example of American stupidity- an example of someone trying to get involved in the problems of other nations. (Even though the U.S. has contributed a lot to the problems in the Middle East…) Others see her as being brain washed by the Palestinians. It always shocks me how cruel people can be. Some people have even said that she deserved to die. How can you hate someone, especially someone you do not know, so much, that you want them dead? But I am sure Rachel Corrie knew people wouldn’t approve of her decisions but she still fought for what she believed in and there are people who hate her for it. But for others her story serves as an inspiration and I am honored to be portraying her for my One Act Plays class.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
no coffee house
So my friend and I won’t be performing for coffee house this Friday and Saturday. I mean I kind of assumed that when my partner skit wasn’t at school for part of last week and Monday of this week but I kind of held out hope we would still be able to perform. But then my skit partner told me why she thought we should forget about it I completely understood. With everything going on in her life she didn’t really need to have to worry about performing in front of a packed house. But unfortunately our acting teacher is disappointed in us. Not because we had to quite the show but because apparently yesterday in class she told us to go over our lines and see where we were and then talk with her after class about whether or not we would be able to do it. Well I do remember clearly that she told us to take the class period to go over our lines but I do not remember her telling us to see her after class. In fact I don’t really remember her making it sound as if we actually had a choice about whether or not we were performing. It sounded to me that she was convinced that we were going to being the show. And I have a pretty good memory, actually a really good memory when it comes to teachers’ because I really don’t like to disappoint them. But apparently I must have forgotten because she supposedly made it very clear that we were to, either individually or together meet with her to discuss our decision about coffee house. Did I mention the fact that she was no where in sight when class finished? Yeah she was not in her office so even if we had “remembered’ to see her we wouldn’t have been able to find her. Plus we had 8th period class after acting so we couldn’t go around looking for her had we “remembered.” And after that we had activity and I had to meet with my Spanish teacher to go over my Spanish project and after that I had to catch a bus. I was aware that I should at least let my acting teacher know somehow that we were not going to be in the show before we got on the bus so I asked some of my friends to tell her that we were not showing up and that we would talk with her tomorrow. But apparently the message didn’t get conveyed to her or the last part was dropped out or maybe my acting teacher didn’t care that we were going to talk it over with her the next day. I admit I am kicking myself I should have at least called her, which is so simple I can’t believe I was so stupid not to do it. But it’s not like my acting teacher didn’t know there was a freaking possibility we couldn’t do it, in fact I had been freaking out about since last week. I went to HER to talk about what would happen but apparently that doesn’t matter. Apparently my skit partner and I are still unprofessional. I went to HER today before chapel to talk with her and I asked her if my skit partner had talked to her because I knew one of us was going to talk with her and I wanted to see whether or not my skit partner had done it already. But my acting teacher told me no and she proceeds to tell me how we disappointed her and how she clearly told us to talk with her after class about whether or not to do the show and that we were behaving unprofessionally. Forget the fact that I could probably point out days when she wasn’t acting in a professional matter but then again when you’re the boss I guess how you act doesn’t matter as long as those believe you act in a professional matter.
Well this occurred right before chapel, and I had to do a dramatic reading, but I was so angry and hurt but one of my teachers managed to calm me down after I told her what happened. She told me to remember that my acting teacher is under a lot of stress. But at least my anger helped me with my dramatic reading. I read a poem by Gloria Anzaldua entitled The Borderlands and it is a very powerful poem. I thought I did horribly because I was still so angry but numerous people came up to me and told me I did a great job. Even my acting teacher later in class told me I did a great job which did feel good I admit after being a disappointment to her. The poem was a difficult piece for me because my Spanish pronunciation isn’t so great and I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to capture the passion in the poem but thank God (and I mean that literally) I was able to or so said numerous other people. It was kind of weird because I thought I did horribly but apparently not. There’s this one teacher I wanted to hear from, but he’s not my teacher this semester but his opinion really matters to me. I really want to know what he thought of my reading but that is a different subject entirely.
But this chapel really was well put together and was beautiful. The teacher helping the chaplain gave a very emotional and beautiful reflection. Some teachers and students were crying. Oh by the way if you haven’t guessed already by my one small paragraph about the poem, the chapel today was about immigration and the border and about humanizing the people who risk their lives to cross the border.
Well this occurred right before chapel, and I had to do a dramatic reading, but I was so angry and hurt but one of my teachers managed to calm me down after I told her what happened. She told me to remember that my acting teacher is under a lot of stress. But at least my anger helped me with my dramatic reading. I read a poem by Gloria Anzaldua entitled The Borderlands and it is a very powerful poem. I thought I did horribly because I was still so angry but numerous people came up to me and told me I did a great job. Even my acting teacher later in class told me I did a great job which did feel good I admit after being a disappointment to her. The poem was a difficult piece for me because my Spanish pronunciation isn’t so great and I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to capture the passion in the poem but thank God (and I mean that literally) I was able to or so said numerous other people. It was kind of weird because I thought I did horribly but apparently not. There’s this one teacher I wanted to hear from, but he’s not my teacher this semester but his opinion really matters to me. I really want to know what he thought of my reading but that is a different subject entirely.
But this chapel really was well put together and was beautiful. The teacher helping the chaplain gave a very emotional and beautiful reflection. Some teachers and students were crying. Oh by the way if you haven’t guessed already by my one small paragraph about the poem, the chapel today was about immigration and the border and about humanizing the people who risk their lives to cross the border.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
school, school. school
I really, really should be working. Acting alone takes a lot of my time not to mention all the other things I need to do like, college essays for instance or my huge individual Spanish project. But I will get them done. I always do. I wasted way too much time already reading this blog from this actor I never heard of because he is based in Chicago and mostly does local work. It’s funny how I came upon his blog. I just typed in “actor’s journal” and there was his blog. Well not really a funny story but it is pretty cool that out of all the blogs that I could have come upon I came upon his. In fact it was his blog that inspired me to get my tail into gear and to start journaling my thoughts. Even though this journal is a class requirement, actually reading somebody else’s blog inspired me to get going and not to leave it to the last minute. Even though I sort of did. I didn’t really start until 2nd semester and even now I’m not really making outstanding progress. I should really be focusing more on my coffee house skit and my one act play but I seem to get tied up on all the emotional hurdles that seem to zap my energy away. But then again overcoming these emotional hurdles and insecurities are an important part of acting. I would like to start actually writing about my material though. I will probably start writing more in depth about my coffee house skit later tonight or tomorrow night. I just need to make sure I get all my other stuff out of the way because right now I have been placing acting as like 1st on my list of things to do. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing but I also need to fulfill my other commitments.
And the subject of whether or not I am acting because I love it or because I feel the need to prove to myself and others that I have talent is really tearing me up. I want to enjoy the journey of acting and of getting into character which is hard to do when you are so intent on showing others up and proving that you have talent. I just need to try not to care so much about what others think because most of the time I think a person perceives me in such a way only to find out I was completely wrong. And I am not going to make acting my career in the sense that I will move to LA or New York to try and scrape a living off of it. But I do want acting to be a part of my life. I want to incorporate it in whatever career path I choose. Which right now seems to be geared towards the ministry. But I don’t know.
And the subject of whether or not I am acting because I love it or because I feel the need to prove to myself and others that I have talent is really tearing me up. I want to enjoy the journey of acting and of getting into character which is hard to do when you are so intent on showing others up and proving that you have talent. I just need to try not to care so much about what others think because most of the time I think a person perceives me in such a way only to find out I was completely wrong. And I am not going to make acting my career in the sense that I will move to LA or New York to try and scrape a living off of it. But I do want acting to be a part of my life. I want to incorporate it in whatever career path I choose. Which right now seems to be geared towards the ministry. But I don’t know.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
something to think about...
Something for me to mull over when I wake up a few hours from know: Do I really love acting or am I just doing it because I have an inferiority complex? Do I really feel passionate about studying theatre or am I just a part of it because I feel I have something to prove?
And right now, sadly, I think I am involved in acting because I feel like I have something to prove. I need to prove to myself and others that I can act. I need to prove that just because I’m not upper middle class or even middle or lower middle class like my friends, that I still have talent. I feel like I need to prove that I still have something even though I can’t afford to go to Broadway shows for my b-day or to take dancing lessons. I need to feel like I am valuable, that I can do things even though I may not have everything my friends have. I need to feel like I have worth- that I can do something, because right now my only cheerleader is myself.
I did have a love for acting once-I need to rediscover that passion. Not so that I look good in front of others, but more for myself. I don’t want acting to be another chore; I don’t want acting to be another thing that I have to be good at. I want to enjoy acting and I can’t do that if I’m constantly trying to be better at it then my peers because of some stupid emotional need to prove to the world and to myself-that money is not what matters-but talent. I know, I’m not that naïve. I know that money brings a lot of advantages and opportunities. Trust me, I go to a private school and sometimes I feel as if those opportunities are shoved in my face but then cruelly taken away. Sort of like what you do with a pet, you shove a biscuit in their face but as they leap forward to grab it you pull away and start running away. And the pet starts chasing after you-intent on getting the biscuit and eventually it does-but only because you took mercy upon it and let them get it. I know very negative view, but it’s hard to hear about all the exciting things my friends get to do and how the school brags about how their students are so “cultured”. I feel left out of the loop. So I think that’s one reason why I am a perfectionist-why I feel like I can’t fail-especially in acting. I feel like I have a chip on my shoulder. I feel like I have to not only myself but to everyone else that I am not a waste of space-that I am just as valuable as my friends. And that really is a lonely and disheartening feeling. To feel as if everyone looks down on you is a painful and hurtful experience that can destroy you if you’re not careful.
I don’t want to be destroyed. So I need to, for my sake, rediscover my passion for acting just for acting sakes or I will become so consumed in trying to prove myself to others that I will be destroyed. And I am not over-exaggerating. There are times where I have felt so worthless that I have even considered ending my life. I need to do this to survive.
And right now, sadly, I think I am involved in acting because I feel like I have something to prove. I need to prove to myself and others that I can act. I need to prove that just because I’m not upper middle class or even middle or lower middle class like my friends, that I still have talent. I feel like I need to prove that I still have something even though I can’t afford to go to Broadway shows for my b-day or to take dancing lessons. I need to feel like I am valuable, that I can do things even though I may not have everything my friends have. I need to feel like I have worth- that I can do something, because right now my only cheerleader is myself.
I did have a love for acting once-I need to rediscover that passion. Not so that I look good in front of others, but more for myself. I don’t want acting to be another chore; I don’t want acting to be another thing that I have to be good at. I want to enjoy acting and I can’t do that if I’m constantly trying to be better at it then my peers because of some stupid emotional need to prove to the world and to myself-that money is not what matters-but talent. I know, I’m not that naïve. I know that money brings a lot of advantages and opportunities. Trust me, I go to a private school and sometimes I feel as if those opportunities are shoved in my face but then cruelly taken away. Sort of like what you do with a pet, you shove a biscuit in their face but as they leap forward to grab it you pull away and start running away. And the pet starts chasing after you-intent on getting the biscuit and eventually it does-but only because you took mercy upon it and let them get it. I know very negative view, but it’s hard to hear about all the exciting things my friends get to do and how the school brags about how their students are so “cultured”. I feel left out of the loop. So I think that’s one reason why I am a perfectionist-why I feel like I can’t fail-especially in acting. I feel like I have a chip on my shoulder. I feel like I have to not only myself but to everyone else that I am not a waste of space-that I am just as valuable as my friends. And that really is a lonely and disheartening feeling. To feel as if everyone looks down on you is a painful and hurtful experience that can destroy you if you’re not careful.
I don’t want to be destroyed. So I need to, for my sake, rediscover my passion for acting just for acting sakes or I will become so consumed in trying to prove myself to others that I will be destroyed. And I am not over-exaggerating. There are times where I have felt so worthless that I have even considered ending my life. I need to do this to survive.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
The farnsworth invention
So let me start with the bad thing that happened so that I can get it off my chest and let it go.
Ok first in my One Act Plays class, my acting teacher asked us (her students) to speed read our lines from memory. We had to give her our scripts and she would see how well we had our lines memorized. Well me and my skit partner messed up and she tells us “You fail” and telling to rehearse more. Yeah she was probably not being too serious and didn't mean to hurt me but she did. She was like pushing my skit partner and I out the door. I mean seriously I didn’t mind the rehearsing more but I was totally pissed off with the whole situation. Me and my skit partner knew our lines. I had nailed my lines perfectly during rehearsal two days ago and my skit partner did make a few mistakes but in general she knew her lines. I knew my lines but what she didn’t understand is that I don’t like to be rushed especially when it comes to saying my lines. I don’t like to have to be forced to think so hard about my lines to get it perfect. When I’m onstage the lines come to me because I become my character. I don’t have to force my lines to come to me. Me and my skit partner worked our butts off to get our lines memorized. We spent lunch periods rehearsing. And two days ago when we had to spend over 3 hours waiting for our turn to rehearse we spent a lot of it rehearsing our lines. We even went outside in the bitter cold so we could try and work on our projection and our vocals. We had to rehearse on our own because in class she would work with the other coffee house acting skits. So sorry if we can’t run off our lines like a machine. I know it’s a stupid thing to be mad about. But I am mad and I’m hurt. We worked really hard on our lines together and I worked really hard on my lines. But obviously because I couldn’t read off my lines in like two minutes without getting lost I’m a failure. But whatever.
So yesterday my acting class went and saw “The Farnsworth Invention.” I loved it! It was an awesome show. So the play was about philo T Farnsworth (played by Jimmi Simpson) and the great race to produce a device that sends pictures from one place to another. And the play shows how incredibly bright Philo was. In 9th grade he drew his science teacher a picture of what a machine that could send moving pictures from one place to another would look like. And the play describes his journey and his obsession to try and make the TV and it also shows how he slowly started to break down because as the play progresses you see how David Sarnoff (Hank azaria) take advantage of Farnsworth. Sarnoff manages to create the first machine that could give a very clear picture of an object. But only by basically stealing information from Philo. (Farnsworth had created, years earlier, a machine that could produce a picture but it was of very poor quality and the amount of light needed to create a clear picture would be enough to blind a person). Many times during the play Farnsworth turned to alcohol to deal with his increasing stress and powerlessness. I just found Farnsworth’s story very sad. He had dedicated so many years to creating television to have it just taken away from him. There’s this one memorable scene in the play where Farnsworth tells Sarnoff that he wished had spent all those years trying to create an antibiotic for strap throat- the illness that killed his two year old son. He sacrificed so much only to have his invention stolen from right under his feet by Sarnoff. But there were moments where even I felt a little sorry for Sarnoff because he thought television would stop wars and all the atrocities committed in the world because humans couldn’t possibly commit such horrors if they saw what happened. He wanted television to entertain, educate, and inspire. Yet what he did was wrong. A memorable line that Sarnoff says towards the end of the play is, “I burned down his house, so he wouldn’t burn down mine.” When Sarnoff was 10 he saw his home burned by a Russian solider. He and his family had to flee the country. I guess Sarnoff was not going to let that happen again. He was not going to let Farnsworth burn down his house-his company.
I loved how the play was organized in such a way that Sarnoff would tell Farnsworth’s story and Farnsworth would tell Sarnoff’s story and there would be moments when one would try and correct the other or times when Sarnoff and Farnsworth disagreed about an event that happened. I don’t know. The play just got to me. It just hurts me how a person can invest so many years of their lives in something only to have it fall apart. Only to find out that all those years were wasted. Yes without him we may not have had television but look at the price Farnsworth had to pay.
Well in happier news I got to meet Jimmie Simpson, get his autograph, and have my picture taken with him. It’s actually a funny story. I asked if I could have my picture taken with him and he says yes so I give my camera to someone in the acting class. I stand next to him thinking that, “oh ok. I’ll just stand next to him” but he puts his hand around my shoulder and pulls me near him and I am quite surprised and I feel a little awkward. So I am looking towards the ground and my head is like leaning on him and I am blushing in the pic. Basically I look like I’m in love with him. It’s really quite funny. I’m going to try and upload the picture here. But I have dial-up and it may not happen which sucks.
I really wish I was back in Broadway. I really wish I could just escape life by going to watch all the Broadway shows. I really wish I could have actually talked to jimmi and get to know him a little. I’m a really lonely person and I don’t really have anybody that I am close too, and there are moments when I will meet a perfect stranger and want to get to know them because I think, “hey maybe this will be the person that understands me. That gets me. That cares about me.” I know pathetic. For the past day I’ve had fantasies of hanging out with him and his wife and seeing them perform and being close to them and being able to confide in them. I just am so hungry for connections with other people. I know that I’m not the only one who feels that. I know that this is basically the bane of human existence. But I also know that there are people who at least will go out and hang out with others and are able to have at least some connection with others. I feel like I don’t really have that. I don’t really have anybody I can trust too. I used to think I had my teachers but then a teacher (not my acting teacher) said something that made me remember that my teachers aren’t my friends. They never were and can never be.
I feel like ending this journal entry with some lyrics from the bravery’s CD, “the sun and the moon.”
“I am so homesick for someone that I never knew. I am so homesick for some place that I will never be all these precious moments you promised me would come in time. So where was I, when I missed mine?” The bravery- time won’t me go.
“I climbed up a mountain, and looked off the edgeAnd all of the lives that I never have led
Sixes and sevens we live on jet planesAnd so many faces I don't know the namesSo many friends now and none of them mineForgotten as soon as we meetAll of these moments are lost in timeYour caught on my head like a thorn on a vineBut to hurt but to mend me that I wonder whyDo I wish I’ve never known you at all[chorus]Oh the ocean rows us away, away, awayThe ocean rows us away
Oh the ocean rows us away, away, awayThe ocean rows us away”
The ocean
I know it’s not my best entry. It’s scattered and I have a lot of sentence fragments but I just needed to get some things off my chest.
Ok first in my One Act Plays class, my acting teacher asked us (her students) to speed read our lines from memory. We had to give her our scripts and she would see how well we had our lines memorized. Well me and my skit partner messed up and she tells us “You fail” and telling to rehearse more. Yeah she was probably not being too serious and didn't mean to hurt me but she did. She was like pushing my skit partner and I out the door. I mean seriously I didn’t mind the rehearsing more but I was totally pissed off with the whole situation. Me and my skit partner knew our lines. I had nailed my lines perfectly during rehearsal two days ago and my skit partner did make a few mistakes but in general she knew her lines. I knew my lines but what she didn’t understand is that I don’t like to be rushed especially when it comes to saying my lines. I don’t like to have to be forced to think so hard about my lines to get it perfect. When I’m onstage the lines come to me because I become my character. I don’t have to force my lines to come to me. Me and my skit partner worked our butts off to get our lines memorized. We spent lunch periods rehearsing. And two days ago when we had to spend over 3 hours waiting for our turn to rehearse we spent a lot of it rehearsing our lines. We even went outside in the bitter cold so we could try and work on our projection and our vocals. We had to rehearse on our own because in class she would work with the other coffee house acting skits. So sorry if we can’t run off our lines like a machine. I know it’s a stupid thing to be mad about. But I am mad and I’m hurt. We worked really hard on our lines together and I worked really hard on my lines. But obviously because I couldn’t read off my lines in like two minutes without getting lost I’m a failure. But whatever.
So yesterday my acting class went and saw “The Farnsworth Invention.” I loved it! It was an awesome show. So the play was about philo T Farnsworth (played by Jimmi Simpson) and the great race to produce a device that sends pictures from one place to another. And the play shows how incredibly bright Philo was. In 9th grade he drew his science teacher a picture of what a machine that could send moving pictures from one place to another would look like. And the play describes his journey and his obsession to try and make the TV and it also shows how he slowly started to break down because as the play progresses you see how David Sarnoff (Hank azaria) take advantage of Farnsworth. Sarnoff manages to create the first machine that could give a very clear picture of an object. But only by basically stealing information from Philo. (Farnsworth had created, years earlier, a machine that could produce a picture but it was of very poor quality and the amount of light needed to create a clear picture would be enough to blind a person). Many times during the play Farnsworth turned to alcohol to deal with his increasing stress and powerlessness. I just found Farnsworth’s story very sad. He had dedicated so many years to creating television to have it just taken away from him. There’s this one memorable scene in the play where Farnsworth tells Sarnoff that he wished had spent all those years trying to create an antibiotic for strap throat- the illness that killed his two year old son. He sacrificed so much only to have his invention stolen from right under his feet by Sarnoff. But there were moments where even I felt a little sorry for Sarnoff because he thought television would stop wars and all the atrocities committed in the world because humans couldn’t possibly commit such horrors if they saw what happened. He wanted television to entertain, educate, and inspire. Yet what he did was wrong. A memorable line that Sarnoff says towards the end of the play is, “I burned down his house, so he wouldn’t burn down mine.” When Sarnoff was 10 he saw his home burned by a Russian solider. He and his family had to flee the country. I guess Sarnoff was not going to let that happen again. He was not going to let Farnsworth burn down his house-his company.
I loved how the play was organized in such a way that Sarnoff would tell Farnsworth’s story and Farnsworth would tell Sarnoff’s story and there would be moments when one would try and correct the other or times when Sarnoff and Farnsworth disagreed about an event that happened. I don’t know. The play just got to me. It just hurts me how a person can invest so many years of their lives in something only to have it fall apart. Only to find out that all those years were wasted. Yes without him we may not have had television but look at the price Farnsworth had to pay.
Well in happier news I got to meet Jimmie Simpson, get his autograph, and have my picture taken with him. It’s actually a funny story. I asked if I could have my picture taken with him and he says yes so I give my camera to someone in the acting class. I stand next to him thinking that, “oh ok. I’ll just stand next to him” but he puts his hand around my shoulder and pulls me near him and I am quite surprised and I feel a little awkward. So I am looking towards the ground and my head is like leaning on him and I am blushing in the pic. Basically I look like I’m in love with him. It’s really quite funny. I’m going to try and upload the picture here. But I have dial-up and it may not happen which sucks.
I really wish I was back in Broadway. I really wish I could just escape life by going to watch all the Broadway shows. I really wish I could have actually talked to jimmi and get to know him a little. I’m a really lonely person and I don’t really have anybody that I am close too, and there are moments when I will meet a perfect stranger and want to get to know them because I think, “hey maybe this will be the person that understands me. That gets me. That cares about me.” I know pathetic. For the past day I’ve had fantasies of hanging out with him and his wife and seeing them perform and being close to them and being able to confide in them. I just am so hungry for connections with other people. I know that I’m not the only one who feels that. I know that this is basically the bane of human existence. But I also know that there are people who at least will go out and hang out with others and are able to have at least some connection with others. I feel like I don’t really have that. I don’t really have anybody I can trust too. I used to think I had my teachers but then a teacher (not my acting teacher) said something that made me remember that my teachers aren’t my friends. They never were and can never be.
I feel like ending this journal entry with some lyrics from the bravery’s CD, “the sun and the moon.”
“I am so homesick for someone that I never knew. I am so homesick for some place that I will never be all these precious moments you promised me would come in time. So where was I, when I missed mine?” The bravery- time won’t me go.
“I climbed up a mountain, and looked off the edgeAnd all of the lives that I never have led
Sixes and sevens we live on jet planesAnd so many faces I don't know the namesSo many friends now and none of them mineForgotten as soon as we meetAll of these moments are lost in timeYour caught on my head like a thorn on a vineBut to hurt but to mend me that I wonder whyDo I wish I’ve never known you at all[chorus]Oh the ocean rows us away, away, awayThe ocean rows us away
Oh the ocean rows us away, away, awayThe ocean rows us away”
The ocean
I know it’s not my best entry. It’s scattered and I have a lot of sentence fragments but I just needed to get some things off my chest.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
good day, very good day
So today was me and my friend’s first rehearsal for coffee house and it went really good. And I thank god for that because I was a nervous wreck and He really helped me through it. The only thing that sucked was that we had to wait over 2 and half hours to go. We were one of the last ones but I got to spend time with my friend and skit partner and when I performed there wasn’t really a large small group of people. Ok that sounded weird but I have problems performing in front of small groups but I do fine performing in large groups. And I was earlier during the rehearsal process there would be a small group but it would be big enough for me to notice. It’s weird. but by the end of the rehearsal it was only my acting teacher ands the two other teachers helping her with coffee house. I nailed all my lines and my teacher said my vocal work was good. So I’m really happy about that.
I was a nervous wreck though for most of the two and a half hours. At one point me and my skit partner had to go outside because I was so jittery and worried about projecting. So we went outside in the freezing cold and started shouting out our lines. The only thing that we need to work on together is that fact that near our little skit (which is called “DMV tyrant”) we end up braking character and laughing because there is one line where she is like, “look into my eyes” and it’s just so funny. But I can pull my laugh off as a fake smile because that’s how my character is but my skit partner is supposed to be angry so laughing in the middle of her final sentence probably isn’t a good thing.
So I’ve been in a good mood today which was made even better by the fact that tomorrow I’m going to new york with my acting class to see a Broadway show! I can’t remember what it is called though. But I will write about it tomorrow. I am going to head off to bed so that I can get up a little early and pray and talk to God because I didn’t really do that today because I was just being lazy. I know ungrateful after all He has done for me, even today.
I was a nervous wreck though for most of the two and a half hours. At one point me and my skit partner had to go outside because I was so jittery and worried about projecting. So we went outside in the freezing cold and started shouting out our lines. The only thing that we need to work on together is that fact that near our little skit (which is called “DMV tyrant”) we end up braking character and laughing because there is one line where she is like, “look into my eyes” and it’s just so funny. But I can pull my laugh off as a fake smile because that’s how my character is but my skit partner is supposed to be angry so laughing in the middle of her final sentence probably isn’t a good thing.
So I’ve been in a good mood today which was made even better by the fact that tomorrow I’m going to new york with my acting class to see a Broadway show! I can’t remember what it is called though. But I will write about it tomorrow. I am going to head off to bed so that I can get up a little early and pray and talk to God because I didn’t really do that today because I was just being lazy. I know ungrateful after all He has done for me, even today.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
stress, stress, stress
Wow, for some reason it didn’t really hit me how much preparation I need to do for the play, “My name is Rachel corrie” and it is really frustrating because in addition to my acting work, I also have to do regular college applications and all my normal school work. It really is rather frustrating, but what can I do? I will just have to make the time to try and get everything done. And I def not be missing anymore school. I am going to have to suck it up and just get to work. I just spent the last hour re-reading the “My name is Rachel corrie” script to fine-tune some of the cuts I had made earlier and to make new some new ones. I still have a lot to memorize but I still have time. Next I am going to be spending the next few hours working on over-memorizing my acting skit because I read online that by over-memorizing something the actor can focus on how much energy and emphasize they place on certain words and on certain scenes. And plus I still need to do some more research to make sure I understand exactly where Rachel Corrie is coming from. But I just need to balance and manage my time and my life. And I am trying to keep positive and keep things in perceptive.
Speaking of looking on the bright side, I think I may have found some music that fit my character Rachel corrie. But I have to really listen to the whole CD to make sure that I am right. I’ll think I’ll do that now before I start working on my coffee house skit.
Speaking of looking on the bright side, I think I may have found some music that fit my character Rachel corrie. But I have to really listen to the whole CD to make sure that I am right. I’ll think I’ll do that now before I start working on my coffee house skit.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Depression and acting
I should have started this journal a long time ago but the first half of this year has been-shall we say-less then stellar. I have been in an extremely depressed and anxious mood for the past few months and it has affected everything from my school work, to my acting, to my writing. Except for having to write essays for school, I have written almost nothing substantial and writing is one of my passions.
I’m trying to take baby steps to get over my depression (one step, includes writing in this journal at least once a day) because when I allow my depression to take over my life, I am not really living. I am just existing. And I am tired of just barely getting by and existing.
I don’t really want to spend a lot of time talking about my depression-because I don’t want to sound like I am making any excuses, but then again I feel that I must dedicate some time talking about depression because it has affected my ability to act.
When I am depressed I don’t really have a lot of energy. I am almost always tired even after getting a full night sleep. I can’t focus because all my body wants to do is sleep. When I manage to stay awake I am plagued by self-doubts, paranoia, and anxiety. “Why are you even in this class? Look at everyone else, look how much talent they have. And you, what talent do you have? You’re nothing. You can’t act. Why are you wasting your time? Why are you wasting your teacher’s time?” Those are some of the thoughts that plague my mind, and I try and fight them but it’s hard when I rarely have the energy to stay awake.
When I am overcome by depression I am paranoid. I feel as if I have no friends and that everyone is lying to me and talking about me behind my back. I know, very self-centered, but sometimes the fear is so real that my heart races and my body starts to sweat. If someone tells me I did a good job I feel as if they are lying to me. My mind becomes obsessed with the idea that everyone expects me to be perfect. I can’t make a mistake or everyone will look down at me. “I have to nail this scene, and I need to nail it the first time.” I tell myself. “They, all look down on you Naiomi. None of them believes you can act. They are all against you. They don’t care if you succeed or you fail. They laugh at you behind your back. They ask themselves, ‘why is she even in this class.’ They talk about their closest friends, why won’t they do the same to you? You’re nothing, .” so I basically torture myself with these thoughts which may or may not be true. And knowing my track record of blowing things out of proportion, they are most likely not true.
When I am depressed I am also anxious. I classify anxiety as being a less extreme form of paranoia. (When I say paranoia I’m not talking about the mental illness. I don’t believe I am being followed or that my life is in any mortal danger, but I do believe that people are out to get me. I know it sounds dumb now but when I am depressed it seems like a very real possibility that everyone I know is trying to hurt me) I guess the only difference between my feelings of paranoia and my feelings of anxiety is that my feelings of paranoia are focused primarily on others. I am afraid that other people will do this or that. And my feelings of anxiety are focused inward. I am afraid that I will fail at doing this or that.
In acting, you need to be able to focus, you need to have energy and you need to have self-esteem. You need to have immense dedication to the art. You need to love yourself enough to not give up even when others judge or criteze you. Unlike writers who can hide behind pen and paper, actors place themselves in an extremely vulnerable position for criticism. They are literally putting themselves out there to be criticized and judged.
. In another entry I will talk about some of the steps I am taking to try and put my depression behind me.
I’m trying to take baby steps to get over my depression (one step, includes writing in this journal at least once a day) because when I allow my depression to take over my life, I am not really living. I am just existing. And I am tired of just barely getting by and existing.
I don’t really want to spend a lot of time talking about my depression-because I don’t want to sound like I am making any excuses, but then again I feel that I must dedicate some time talking about depression because it has affected my ability to act.
When I am depressed I don’t really have a lot of energy. I am almost always tired even after getting a full night sleep. I can’t focus because all my body wants to do is sleep. When I manage to stay awake I am plagued by self-doubts, paranoia, and anxiety. “Why are you even in this class? Look at everyone else, look how much talent they have. And you, what talent do you have? You’re nothing. You can’t act. Why are you wasting your time? Why are you wasting your teacher’s time?” Those are some of the thoughts that plague my mind, and I try and fight them but it’s hard when I rarely have the energy to stay awake.
When I am overcome by depression I am paranoid. I feel as if I have no friends and that everyone is lying to me and talking about me behind my back. I know, very self-centered, but sometimes the fear is so real that my heart races and my body starts to sweat. If someone tells me I did a good job I feel as if they are lying to me. My mind becomes obsessed with the idea that everyone expects me to be perfect. I can’t make a mistake or everyone will look down at me. “I have to nail this scene, and I need to nail it the first time.” I tell myself. “They, all look down on you Naiomi. None of them believes you can act. They are all against you. They don’t care if you succeed or you fail. They laugh at you behind your back. They ask themselves, ‘why is she even in this class.’ They talk about their closest friends, why won’t they do the same to you? You’re nothing, .” so I basically torture myself with these thoughts which may or may not be true. And knowing my track record of blowing things out of proportion, they are most likely not true.
When I am depressed I am also anxious. I classify anxiety as being a less extreme form of paranoia. (When I say paranoia I’m not talking about the mental illness. I don’t believe I am being followed or that my life is in any mortal danger, but I do believe that people are out to get me. I know it sounds dumb now but when I am depressed it seems like a very real possibility that everyone I know is trying to hurt me) I guess the only difference between my feelings of paranoia and my feelings of anxiety is that my feelings of paranoia are focused primarily on others. I am afraid that other people will do this or that. And my feelings of anxiety are focused inward. I am afraid that I will fail at doing this or that.
In acting, you need to be able to focus, you need to have energy and you need to have self-esteem. You need to have immense dedication to the art. You need to love yourself enough to not give up even when others judge or criteze you. Unlike writers who can hide behind pen and paper, actors place themselves in an extremely vulnerable position for criticism. They are literally putting themselves out there to be criticized and judged.
. In another entry I will talk about some of the steps I am taking to try and put my depression behind me.
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