Depression and acting

I should have started this journal a long time ago but the first half of this year has been-shall we say-less then stellar. I have been in an extremely depressed and anxious mood for the past few months and it has affected everything from my school work, to my acting, to my writing. Except for having to write essays for school, I have written almost nothing substantial and writing is one of my passions.
I’m trying to take baby steps to get over my depression (one step, includes writing in this journal at least once a day) because when I allow my depression to take over my life, I am not really living. I am just existing. And I am tired of just barely getting by and existing.
I don’t really want to spend a lot of time talking about my depression-because I don’t want to sound like I am making any excuses, but then again I feel that I must dedicate some time talking about depression because it has affected my ability to act.
When I am depressed I don’t really have a lot of energy. I am almost always tired even after getting a full night sleep. I can’t focus because all my body wants to do is sleep. When I manage to stay awake I am plagued by self-doubts, paranoia, and anxiety. “Why are you even in this class? Look at everyone else, look how much talent they have. And you, what talent do you have? You’re nothing. You can’t act. Why are you wasting your time? Why are you wasting your teacher’s time?” Those are some of the thoughts that plague my mind, and I try and fight them but it’s hard when I rarely have the energy to stay awake.
When I am overcome by depression I am paranoid. I feel as if I have no friends and that everyone is lying to me and talking about me behind my back. I know, very self-centered, but sometimes the fear is so real that my heart races and my body starts to sweat. If someone tells me I did a good job I feel as if they are lying to me. My mind becomes obsessed with the idea that everyone expects me to be perfect. I can’t make a mistake or everyone will look down at me. “I have to nail this scene, and I need to nail it the first time.” I tell myself. “They, all look down on you Naiomi. None of them believes you can act. They are all against you. They don’t care if you succeed or you fail. They laugh at you behind your back. They ask themselves, ‘why is she even in this class.’ They talk about their closest friends, why won’t they do the same to you? You’re nothing, .” so I basically torture myself with these thoughts which may or may not be true. And knowing my track record of blowing things out of proportion, they are most likely not true.
When I am depressed I am also anxious. I classify anxiety as being a less extreme form of paranoia. (When I say paranoia I’m not talking about the mental illness. I don’t believe I am being followed or that my life is in any mortal danger, but I do believe that people are out to get me. I know it sounds dumb now but when I am depressed it seems like a very real possibility that everyone I know is trying to hurt me) I guess the only difference between my feelings of paranoia and my feelings of anxiety is that my feelings of paranoia are focused primarily on others. I am afraid that other people will do this or that. And my feelings of anxiety are focused inward. I am afraid that I will fail at doing this or that.
In acting, you need to be able to focus, you need to have energy and you need to have self-esteem. You need to have immense dedication to the art. You need to love yourself enough to not give up even when others judge or criteze you. Unlike writers who can hide behind pen and paper, actors place themselves in an extremely vulnerable position for criticism. They are literally putting themselves out there to be criticized and judged.
. In another entry I will talk about some of the steps I am taking to try and put my depression behind me.